The Unexpected Birthday Present
by LadyMadonnasBaby
Summary: I needed a present for my friend's birthday, so what better than a trip to the Pegasus Galaxy in my home-made TARDIS? Crack!fic, lots of scary fangirling.
1. Chapter 1

Hi, everyone! This is my first SGA story, and it was written for my roommate's birthday, if you couldn't tell. She gave me her blessing to share with you all, and we hope you enjoy it. If so, please don't hesitate to review and let me know. P.S.: This is most definitely a crack!fic, so please don't be frightened; this is not quite how we are in real life. ;)

Disclaimer: If you recognize anything, I don't own it. Unfortunately.

The Unexpected Birthday Present

Kerri burst in the door of Zeta Tau Alpha house, eyes wide behind her crooked glasses. "Alex?!"

The entranceway was full of half-drunk college students, gyrating to some techno. Kerri scowled as she searched, occasionally bumping into people.

"Sorry," she muttered repeatedly, eyes roaming back and forth. "Excuse me, have you seen my friend Alex? She looks a lot like me, only neater and wearing makeup?" Her T-shirt had some grease stains and her jeans were fraying at the hem, but that was the only mind she paid them.

Eventually, she made her way down to the basement where she finally found a finely coiffed Alex sipping a Cosmo and speaking with a group of girls.

"Alex, come on. I gotta show you something," Kerri said as she grabbed Alex's arm. Alex finished her Cosmo and tried to say good bye but Kerri already had her halfway up the basement stairs.

"What's going on, Kerri?" Alex giggled, following Kerri through the crowd. "Did you find two adorkable guys for us?" She doubled over laughing at her tipsy wit.

"No, it's even better," said Kerri, focused on getting Alex back to their dorm room where the surprise was waiting.

At the door to their room, she stopped as she fished her key out of her pocket. "Alex," she said, "you have no idea how amazing this is. You're gonna freak out!"

She opened the door and shoved Alex in, whose jaw had gone completely slack at the sight of the Blue Box taking up most of the space between their two beds.

"Wha–? How did you–?" Alex shook her head a couple of times to clear it. "Is that a TARDIS?!"

"Yep," said Kerri proudly. "I've been watching a lot of Doctor Who with Roxie lately, so I checked it out on Wikipedia. Just started tinkering around and POOF! Instant TARDIS!"

She opened the door and bowed Alex in.

"It's bigger on the inside than the outside!"

"Of course it is," Kerri said matter-of-factly, "it's a TARDIS. And for your birthday, you get to pick where we go."

"Does it work?" asked Alex, running her hands over the controls. Kerri slapped her hand away from an ominous red button.

"It won't if you hit the self-destruct button," she said. "Where should we go first for your birthday?" She spread her hands out in a grand gesture meant to encompass everything, but she only succeeded in banging the center control panel. "Ow!"

Alex ignored her as she considered her answer and explored the console. She saw the doorway to the other areas and stopped. With a grin, she said, "How about the MTV Video Awards, where Jakob Dylan and Bruce Springsteen sang 'One Headlight' together?"

Kerri thought about this, trying to clean her glasses on her T-shirt. She looked through them, shrugged, and put them back on. "I'd need the specific date for that. What about Dane Cook's time travel idea?"

"No way, that's disgusting!" shrieked Alex, trembling violently. "How can you even suggest that? Let's go to JFK's inauguration speech instead."

"Not into politics," said Kerri absentmindedly. She stared into space for a minute and shouted, "I've got it!" Alex jumped and bumped into the guardrail Kerri had installed in case of turbulence. "We'll go to the Beatles' first press conference in New York, February 24, 1964. How's that sound?"

Alex rubbed her elbow and glared at Kerri. "On one condition - you don't yell and make me bump into things any more!"

"Sweet! Close the door, I've got the controls!"

As Alex ran back to the doorway, Kerri took a large mallet from under the control panel. She grinned as she raised it over her head and brought it down on the controls. After doing this 3 times, she dropped the mallet on the floor and spun a wheel for exactly five seconds. She pressed some random buttons, smacked the console, and picked up the mallet again when they heard the distinctive whir of the TARDIS dematerializing.

"Oh my God!" yelled Alex as she grabbed the guardrail. "It really works!"

"You doubt my abilities?" said Kerri, riding the turbulence like she had already done so many times. "This is the last time I bring you anywhere."

Eventually, after Alex declared she would vomit at least six times, the TARDIS rematerialized. They picked up their signs - "John 4 President" and "Paul Be My Sex Slave" - and opened the TARDIS doors onto a scene they were not expecting.

"–the Wraith!" The panicked voice of Dr. McKay echoed in the dead silence of the debriefing room at Kerri and Alex's appearance with their posters. He turned around to see what everyone was staring at, and for once, he was speechless.

"Who are you, and what are you doing here?" asked Weir, trying to take charge. She was ignored as the girls rounded on each other.

Alex hit Kerri over the head with her poster. "It didn't work!"

Kerri rubbed her head and scowled, dropping her poster. "We're not still in the dorm, are we? Maybe we didn't go back in time, but we did manage to get to another galaxy!"

"This is what happens when you get your blueprints for sci-fi technology from Wikipedia!"

"Yeah, well, at least we didn't rematerialize next to a black hole!" She blinked and lowered her voice, bringing her face inches away from her friend's. "Have you realized where we are yet?"

_TBC..._ Please review so I can post the rest of this for you!


	2. Chapter 2

1Hi, me again. This chapter actually begins the story (or at least brings in the SGA characters). Warning for Weir fans: there may be some Weir bashing here as neither me nor my roommate like her very much. As always, however, feedback is appreciated whether you love it or think it's incredibly stupid.

Disclaimer: I still don't own anything you recognize. If I did, the world would be much different. ;)

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Alex's eyes widened as she finally saw the rest of the people in the room. "Oh my God – Sheppie!"

Sheppard's face twitched at the nickname and he hid behind Ronon with his gun drawn.

"What's going on?" asked Ronon, never having seen a fangirl before. "Why did she call you 'Sheppie'?"

"I guess there weren't any fangirls on Sateda,"said Weir, edging between the girls and her men.

"I'd be willing to teach you, Ronon," said Kerri, giggling like a maniac. Ronon's eyes widened and he tried to hide behind Weir.

"What is this?" Rodney shrieked. "Two fangirls appear in Doctor Who technology and neither one is a fangirl obsessed with me?"

"Oh, we love you, Rodney," said Alex, momentarily distracted. "We just like Sheppie and Ronon a little more." Kerri nodded, steadily approaching Ronon and Sheppard behind Weir.

Alex put her hand on her friend's shoulder. "I think we need to rethink our approach," she whispered. Kerri looked at her, frowning in confusion and frustration at being thwarted. "Just follow my lead."

Alex looked up at everyone in the room, all trace of crazy fangirl gone from her expression. "I'm sorry if we scared you guys, but I didn't really think Kerri's TARDIS would get us anywhere, let alone to the Pegasus Galaxy. I don't know when or where the TARDIS will send us to next, so could we stay here for a while, at least until Kerri figures out why it didn't bring us where we wanted?"

Kerri tried to look sane and stare at Alex at the same time, succeeding only in looking like she was having a seizure. Ronon and Sheppard exchanged looks. Ronon shook his head and stayed behind Weir while Sheppard came out of hiding. Weir pressed her earpiece.

"I need two men in the Debriefing Room, please," she said. Kerri tilted her head in confusion, wondering what they were for. "To move your TARDIS to a lab where Rodney can examine it with you," Weir explained.

"Oh wow! Alex," Kerri said, "Weir did something useful and quick." This was met by awkward silence, until Rodney spoke.

"So I guess you're interested in quantum physics, since you built a working TARDIS?" He sounded smug, ready to share his great intelligence with a fangirl.

"Nope. I don't understand any of it. I just figured 'What's the worst that could happen if I try to build a TARDIS?'" She punctuated this statement by pushing her glasses back up to her eyes.

"What's the worst–? You could have blown yourself up, or created a black hole!" Rodney said, throwing his arms in the air.

"No, that wouldn't have worked in this story," she said. Before any of the Atlantis team could react to her destruction of the fourth wall, she said, "Let's go visit Carson!" She bounced to the door with Alex right behind her.

"That's probably not a bad idea," Sheppard said, following them out the door. "He could at least tranq them for us."

"Are there a lot of these fangirls on Earth?" Ronon asked, watching Kerri warily.

"Not really, thank God," Rodney said. "Otherwise, the universe would probably explode from all the squeeing." That answer did not make Ronon relax, especially since they'd arrived and Ronon witnessed his first fangirl squeeing.

"Ooh, squishy!"

"He _is_ like a teddy bear!"

"Help!"

They ran in to see the girls attached to Carson's legs, the doctor frozen in shock. Kerri unattached herself first to stare at the equipment in the room. Alex let go when she realized Sheppard was in the room.

"How did fangirls get on Atlantis?" Carson asked in a whisper as they watched Alex and Kerri wander around the infirmary.

"One of them built a TARDIS," said Rodney, watching them come back towards everybody.

"Yay me!" said Kerri, throwing her fists in the air. "Yay Kerri!" echoed Alex, looking at Sheppard and making him uncomfortable.

"You made a TARDIS to get to Atlantis?" asked Carson, wide-eyed.

"No," said Kerri, "we were trying to get to a Beatles press conference. This is probably more fun for Alex, since she can have someone teach her how to use a gun."

"I don't think that would be a very good idea," Weir said.

"No one cares what you think," Alex said. "And no one has to teach me how to use a gun, unless Sheppie wants to. I wouldn't say no to that." Sheppard shook his head and backed away carefully.

"All right, well, Ronon can teach me how to fight like a monkey," said Kerri. She took a running leap at Ronon, fist cocked back in imitation of Ronon's fighting style. He just grabbed her by the arm, leaving her hanging in midair and unable to reach him. "See? Aren't you having fun already?"

Ronon dropped her and backed away slowly, looking to his teammates for help. She advanced on him, trying a different tactic. She stayed low to the ground, not hard with her tiny stature at 4'10", and stayed out of Ronon's easy reach.

"Uh, do they have the TARDIS in my lab yet?" Rodney asked of no one in particular, eyes glued to the fangirl crawling on the ground. Alex was staring at Sheppard, whose hand was on his gun and eyes studiously nowhere near Alex.

"Yes, it is," said Weir, touching her earpiece. "Would you like to start working on it now?"

"Please get her away from me," Ronon grated from the corner Kerri had him backed into.

"Hey, um... fangirl person," Rodney said, "why don't we go work on your TARDIS?"

"My name is Kerri, Rodney," she said, standing up, "and this could be fun! Come on, Ronon!" She grabbed Ronon by the arm and dragged him into the hallway. Alex followed, gesturing for everyone to come along.

"I'll just stay here, thanks," Carson said. "But good luck to you!" Alex was about to go back and pull him with her when Kerri poked her head back in the doorway, looking sheepish.

"I don't know where your lab is from here." Her head jerked out of sight and they heard her say, "No Ronon! Stop! Sit! Stay! Be good or I'll sit on you!"

"She seriously thinks that's a threat?" Sheppard said, walking across the infirmary to the door.

"You obviously don't know my roommate," said Alex, leading the way into the hall. She showed everyone a very disturbing sight.


End file.
